Always have a toothpick handy!

I talked last night with a dear friend who is a speech and language pathologist in Wyoming and she talked about some friends of hers that were in, what she called, a form of parasitic relationship.  One of the partners couldn’t seem to successfully function on his own without being “glued” to his wife 24/7.  Unfortunately, this constant need for the other was spreading over and adversely affecting other areas of their relationship.  Could this lack of self confidence be just be a symptom of someone who, for whatever reason, didn’t love themselves?  We discussed how important it is for us to truly love ourselves before we can ultimately find true love and be able to create the solid, lasting and fun relationships that we all are looking for.  

One of the key components of a relationship is the support that two people provide for each other, yet I am sure it is one of the most overlooked aspects of choosing the perfect mate.  I know that after three failed marriages of my own that I am as guilty as anyone.  A relationship that is built upon mutual support will overcome just about any obstacles that two individuals encounter along the way. Support can take on many forms, but in the broadest sense, it is the willingness of two people in a relationship to lift and encourage each other to be the best that they can be. It is also the willingness for each of the individuals to be there for each other through both good and bad times.

Lack of support in a relationship can surface in many ways. It can be something as simple as a failure to be sympathetic when a mate has had a bad day at work, to the major support that is required when embarking on a new business endeavor or during life changing events. Either way, if support is missing from a relationship in the early stages, chances are it will only get worse through the years. And at some point, it can escalate to the point of no return when much needed support is being sought after and no where to be found.  

The reason support is so critical to a healthy relationship lies within the concepts of success and achievement. For two people to build a life together, it is critical for each of them to maintain their own identities, loving themselves, while at the same time work together toward common goals and aspirations. In my opinion, the best and most lasting relationships occur when two people get together who are each comfortable in their own skin and perfectly capable of living on their own but make the conscious choice to create a partnership. 

When considering the aspect of maintaining your own identity, it is perfectly normal that two people will not share identical interests in everything they do. One person may be an avid sports fan while the other doesn’t know a racquet from a club — and very well, may never care to learn. This doesn’t mean, however, that the sports challenged mate must forever remain unsupportive of their partner. To the contrary, this is a perfect opportunity to give your partner the freedom to retain their own interests while still being supportive. If you cringe at the thought of sitting through a sporting event that makes no sense to you, take game day as your opportunity to pursue something that piques your interest. In doing so, you are not only furthering your own separate identities, you are also imposing no feelings of guilt when you each pursue your own interests. In essence, you are supporting each other through extending the freedom to pursue individual passions.

The other area where couples often falter is in matters that involve each working toward a common goal. While maintaining your own identity is critical, it is equally vital to utilize a balanced amount of time and energy in joint endeavors. These might be business matters, financial goals, home improvement projects, and any number of activities that require both individuals working together as a team. When identifying and implementing plans for an activity that requires the talent and focus of both people, it is critical to identify the ultimate goal, create a plan to achieve it, set a timeline for its completion and outline each person’s role in the process. (Isn’t it funny that standard business practices apply here?)  By addressing these things, a clear picture will be formed of the expectations you will place upon each other and you will have given yourselves a means of measuring success. You will also be able to identify any areas of weakness that will enable you to assist each other along the way. The couple that can effectively master these concepts will likely be the couple that will stand the test of time. No matter what the subject or the endeavor, these same principles will apply and are the key component for the successful outcome of any major joint endeavor. The amount of support that is present in a relationship, or the lack thereof, will ultimately have a direct correlation to the success of that same relationship. You may recognize this fact in your own relationship or you may see it when you look around at the relationships of others. Either way, when you become aware of the vital role that support plays in a relationship, it will forever change your approach. Also, make sure you really listen to each other!  And thus, this discovery may ultimately be the turning point in your life that yields the success and achievement you are seeking.  Just one man’s opinion! 

I scanned the sequence of the centuries in a single second,

Looking for the essence of me.

 Sandy York (2004)

One morning, years ago, I was listening to the radio as I was shaving and I heard a man saying that we all have everything in life that we have always wanted right this minute.  I had to do a double-take cause I knew there were many things that I wanted that I didn’t have at that time.  He went on to explain that if we had REALLY wanted those things…in other words needed them as much as we needed the air we breath then we would have already done everything necessary to make those desires a reality!  It makes sense once you think about it.  Many of us feel that we are much more talented and deserving than our current situation in life demonstrates.  But of course the pauper’s graves are full of talented people.  It can’t be just talent, education or desire that determines our true happiness in life.  What is it?  It’s about attraction and bliss!  It’s called Self-Love, Self-Confidence, Self-Acceptance, Self-Respect, Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, etc.   No matter what you call it, it’s a high vibration and it feels fantastic.  The opposite …..doubting yourself, disliking yourself, feeling ashamed, believing you’re not good enough or that you don’t deserve the success in life–is low on the vibrational scale and it feels awful.  People might want to lose weight or have more money or enjoy more fulfilling relationships, but the underlying issue often turns out to be a lack of Self-Love.  The haven’t taken the time or given the energy to love themselves.   They are spending too much energy trying to live up to the societal norms that are drilled into us 24/7 by TV, radio, advertising, etc.  Trying to please others instead of themselves.  They haven’t found their bliss.  When you love yourself, it’s easy to improve relationships because you’re capable of giving love and you can allow others to love you. When you love yourself, you quit using food to stuff down the pain of low self-esteem and it becomes easy to manage your weight. When you love yourself, your vibration is high and you naturally attract money, meaningful relationships and everything else you desire.

We were born loving ourselves and knowing our value. Of course then we starting hearing the word “NO” about a million times in the first few years which, in my opinion, started to limit us in our natural search for ourselves.  Due to that pressure from parents, teachers and peers, we may have tried to gain love and acceptance by becoming who THEY wanted us to be.  And, quess what?  When we do this, we generally end up not loving ourselves.  When we don’t love ourselves, we may reach the absurd conclusion that we’re not good enough.  Then we spend our entire lives trying to prove our worth and trying to get others to love us.  Meanwhile we have been hiding our magnificence and feeling worthless. Aaah!

There is simply no replacement for Self-Love.  If we don’t love ourselves, we will be continually disappointed in life.  We won’t even see opportunities right in front of us. Our relationships will be strained. Even if someone else really does love us, we won’t be able to feel it.  We can only allow someone else to love us to the extent that we love ourselves.  And it is equally true that we can only love and accept another person to the extent that we love and accept ourselves.

Everyone and everything in our environment is a reflection of our Self-Love or lack of it.  That’s what I think the guy on the radio was talking about.  The good news is that, because everything comes from YOU, you don’t have to try to “FIX” the outside world. Everything changes when you “FIX” your inside world and the best place to start is by choosing to love yourself more. When you choose Self-Love, your health improves, you have more energy and vitality, your relationships become more joyful, you enjoy greater prosperity, and fabulous opportunities show up for you everywhere you look. When you love yourself, you become irresistibly attractive to others.

So how can you choose to love and accept yourself more? Start by treating yourself like the very special person you are.  Start treating yourself like you did the other person in your first love affair.  Start by doing nice things for yourself, such as:

• Give yourself a pure pleasure day – enjoy a massage, facial, pedicure, whatever makes you feel nourished and pampered.

• Buy yourself a special gift or take that dream vacation - just because you’re YOU!

• Go visit a new acquaintance to discover if there is a “resonance” between you!

• Notice your self-talk and say kind, encouraging, uplifting things to yourself.

• Make a list of your positive qualities and read your list daily.

• When someone gives you a compliment, believe it! Keep a list of compliments received as evidence of how wonderful you are and refer to it when you need a reminder.

• Look in the bathroom mirror each morning and say to yourself: “I LOVE YOU. You are absolutely and eternally wonderful and worthy of all good things.” In fact, studies show if you affirm this statement with feeling every time you look in a mirror, your life will improve immeasurably!

• Finally, make a declaration: “I hereby release my limiting belief of not being good enough and replace it with the joy of unconditional Self-Love.”

In accordance with the Law of Attraction, you can only attract that which you are a vibrational match to.  Self-Love raises your vibration and connects you with your inner Source.  Self-Love allows Well-Being of all kinds.  The more you love yourself, the more you become a vibrational match to blissfully happy relationships with others.  So, if you’re ready for that special someone to come into your life, the best thing you can do is amp up your Self-Love vibe.  Likewise, if you already have the relationship and want to improve it, the best thing you can do is love and accept yourself more.

When you broadcast the high vibration of Self-Love, when you treat yourself well, when you know you’re worthy and deserving, it’s amazing how quickly your desires will manifest. Give it a try. Let this Valentine’s Day be about Self-Love.  Be your own Valentine.  As you bask in the deliciousness of Self-Love, you will find that you truly CAN Be and Do and Have Whatever You Desire right now!

There is so much advice available for those of us who want to make changes in our lives.  Who do we listen to?  What do we read?  What is the secret?  All we know is that we have to change something cause what we are doing presently and what we have done in the past isn’t and hasn’t been working.  Someone said:

If you continue to think what you’ve always thought,

You’ll always get what you’ve always got!

It’s obvious we need to change our thinking.  The thoughts upon which we continually dwell manifest themselves in who we are and how well we accomplish the goals we have for ourselves.    Our thoughts, like anything, can become ingrained and habitual if we think them often enough.  Aristotle said, “Man is what he continually does… success therefore is not a single act but a habit.”  He could have gone one step further and applied the same rule to failure.  We are what we continually do - good or bad. 

We can’t go to the gym once and get in shape.  We need to do it continually until it is every bit a part of our daily lives as combing our hair.  If our success is tied to our thoughts then how we think continually is going to determine ultimately our success.  Thinking is what we do best.  In the early 17 century the French philosopher Rene’ Descartes said  “Cogito ergo sum…I think, therefore I am.”  He said it in Latin instead of his native French because Latin  was the language of science in Europe (If you get nothing else from this post, at least you picked up a little Latin!).  Our thoughts control who and what we are.  The bible even says, “As a man thinketh, so is he.”  OK, that’s enough credibility.

We can’t get away from it so we might as well think positive.  It takes no more energy to put a positive spin on events than to look at the doom and gloom side of things.  The Universal Law of Attraction has been around forever and it also mandates that we manifest those things and events that we think on most.  There is that continual thought thing again.  

What we think controls how we feel and act.  If we think the “glass is half empty,” we are sure to feel discouraged and immobilized.  Rational and practical thoughts lead to good feelings and positive action.  Consequently, avoid thoughts like, “Getting laid off is just terrible,” or “If I don’t succeed at work, I’m a failure.” Instead, we want to think realistic thoughts like, “I can affect what happens in my working and personal life,” “I am worthy as a person, regardless of my achievements at work,”

Constructive thoughts can free you of negative moods and empower you to take charge of your life.  Studies have found that optimism is associated with many positive health benefits, such as shielding people from heart attack and strokes.  Our mind’s thoughts can even be a matter of life and death!  We have all heard stories of the devoted spouse who, after losing his/her mate after many years of marriage, dies shortly thereafter.  The doctor raises his hands and says, “They just lost their will to live.”  On the other hand witness the terminal patient given the most bleak outlook by his physician who fights back to not only survive but live many more productive years.  The doctor says, “He had a strong will to live.”  Wouldn’t you think if our minds can affect whether we live or die that they could also have something to do with our day to day success in the meantime?  Think about it!!

To find your bliss, you need to know what you are looking for.  However, definitions of “bliss” rarely capture how you feel when you have found it or are in it.   A new and special  lady friend of mine from Wyoming has shared some ideas for us.  We have talked at length about what bliss is.  Here are a few of the ways you can experience what it is like when you find and follow your bliss …

• your feel at one with the world, as if everything is in its rightful place and all interconnected.  No doubt the world is unfolding as it should!
• you feel totally alive, as if your body is resonating at a slightly higher frequency
• you eyes light up and you feel like you could spend hours talking about the subjects you love
• you see things more clearly, as if a mist has cleared or a fog has lifted and now you can see more clearly or deeply understand
• you feel totally at home within your skin and so comfortable within yourself that old ideas of who you are fade
• time ceases to exist when you are following your bliss
• you feel surrounded by kindred spirits when you find other people who are passionate about the same things
• you have deep, insightful discussions with people you have known only a short time  (thanks sky!)
• you experience leaps of insight and the profound understanding of concepts and ideas that go beyond words
• you find yourself creating at an extraordinary level far beyond your normal abilities
• worlds of ideas and knowledge that you never knew existed open up to you
• the world becomes a place where synchronicities start to make sense and form a subtle path pointing you to the things you need to discover
• you find yourself (many times unknowingly) amassing a collection of resources built around your bliss (Serendipity) 
• you feel the touch of unseen hands guiding you
• you feel like a light deep inside of you has been turned on
• days you follow your bliss start to feel a bit like Christmas morning, making you want to jump out of bed and see what the day holds
• you surprise yourself by the things you say and do because they make you seem much smarter and gifted than you usually think you are

So, know that you have a few ideas of what it feels like to have found your bliss, are you ready to go find it?

AND, if we will get our butts off the couch once in awhile and move around a little bit we might find that not only will our emotions get better but we might just burn off a calorie or two!

I mean, we ought to be ashamed of ourselves.  I sure don’t need the Surgeon General to tell me that we Americans are killing ourselves with our forks.  All we need to do is sit on any street corner in America or any mall and gape with wonderment at the mass of overweight human protoplasm shuffling along in their endless search for the next nacho plate or twinkie.  It is amazing.  The kids are no better.   I now understand why some animals in the wild will eat their young to improve the species!

It doesn’t have to be that way.  All it takes is the decision to make better choices.  Of course any change is going to be met with resistance.  (See the post on homeostasis)  The key is not to try to do too much too soon.  That’s why 80% of the New Years resolutions to lose weight have already been broken less than 2 months into the new year!  A pound is 3,500 calories.  So to lose a pound we need to eliminate 3,500 calories either by cutting back our intake or increase our burning off of calories.  Small changes are the key.  Just move around an extra 30 minutes a day and choose to knock off one or two lattes a week or some other little treat that does nothing for us and we can easily realize a pound or two loss each month.     That’s about 15 pounds a year with no muss or no fuss.   That’s not very much you say.  Well, just look at the alternative.  If you do nothing but continue with your same sedentary lifestyle and eating habits I can almost guarantee that one year from now you will be about 10-25 pounds heavier than you are now.  The choice is yours and a no-brainer.  10-25 more or 15 less.  Net loss of 25-40 pounds of ugly fat in one year!   Next case!